Motherf#$king epic

Greetings traveler,

Between reading Charlie Huston’s new novel, Sleepless, the gift of a World of Warcraft pre-paid game card from your sister and recent unemployment you have decided that the time has come to resurrect your long-dormant WOW account. Congratulations! You are about to embark on a series of quests to rival any in-game experience that follows. Have a look at the quest tree:

1. Birds and worms

1a. Reinstall both World of Warcraft and Burning Crusade expansion pack the day before logging back into game. (You put this off after the last computer wipe.)
1b. Redeem your game card.
1c. Download the 3.1GB patch needed to update game.
1d. Bed down for the night.

2. Everything old is new again

2a. Finish installing the rest of the patch. (Windows decided to block update when nearly complete)
2b. Try to log into game, but discover you now need a battle.net account.
2c. Try to re-register your games on battle.net only to have it tell you your authentication codes have already been claimed. (Duh, by me.)
2d. E-mail support to see if they can load old info into new account.
2e. Discover that there is already a way to merge accounts.
2f. Merge accounts.

3. A new wrinkle

3a. Upon merging of accounts, remember that there is a whole other expansion pack yet to be loaded.
3b. Curse game. Profusely.
3c. Dig up Wrath of the Lich King DVD sleeve with no disk inside.
3d. Retrieve disk from stack of non-packaged disks on desk.
3e. Remember that you have no DVD drive after a disk shattered inside you last DVD drive fragging the whole thing.
3f. Curse death of DVD drive.

4. DVD or bust

4a. Staples is nearby. They have a cheap DVD drive. Ride your bike.
4a.1 Remove errant bungee cord from bike chain.
4a.2 Reset bike chain.
4b. Ride to Staples. Purchase DVD drive, return to quest-giver (PC).
4c. Open quest-giver and ritually cut self on piece of metal that you’ll never find.
4d. Discover that quest-giver does not possess long enough cables to accommodate new DVD drive.
4e. Curse quest-giver.

5. Round and round we go

5a. Return to Staples via car looking for necessary cables.
5b. Discover they do not stock such obscure merchandise.
5c. Get recommendation from staff on where desired cables might be procured.
5d. Remain skeptical of Target recommendation, headdesk over Radio Shack suggestion.
5e. Drive to Radio Shack.
5f. Obtain one of two needed cables from kind salesperson who assists in search for other cable.
5g. Discover nearest store with cable is 30 miles away.
5h. Drive two blocks to local computer repair store.
5i. Discover they are out of store until 11:30. Time now: Noon.
5j. Try Target.
5j. Curse Powers That Be.

6. Lunch

6a. Return home.
6b. Cook lunch.
6c. Consume lunch.

7. My kingdom for a (SATA power) cable

7a. Call store that was closed.
7b. Speak with woman working front desk who doesn’t seem to know anything about computers.
7c. Drive back to store to check inventory for self.
7d. Discover store does not have needed cable.
7e. Decide to try Best Buy.
7f. Try computer shop that was located a block away from Best Buy.
7g. Discover they are out of business.
7h. Search on cell phone for any business selling computer components within 20 miles of current location.
7i. Call four before finding one that has part in stock.
7j. Drive all the way across town to procure last needed cable.
7k. Resist urge to kiss computer tech on the mouth in a totally-not-gay manner.
7l. Listen to Terry Gross interview former inmate/journalist Wilbert Rideau on Fresh Air.

8. Home again

8a. Return to quest giver.
8b. Hook up new DVD drive.
8c. Install Wrath of the Lich King.
8d. Wait for patch to download.
8e. Wait until tomorrow to play World of Warcraft.

Along the way to will earn the following skills:
Advance preparedness +5
Eco-friendliness (bike riding) +1
Bike Repair +2
Cursing Max. level
First aid (sucking cut to staunch bleeding) +1
Cooking (mostly-from-scratch pizza) +2
Raze the earth (driving) +8
Blackberry skills +2
Man-kiss resistance +4
Journalistic resolve +9
Patience +20

(Artwork by Sin Jae Lee found on the fanart section of blizzard.com)